Questions

Humans are, by nature, inquisitive creatures. Even before we are old enough to ask “why?”, we seek to learn and to understand from others. As adults, greetings often begin with a question, “how are you?” Most people prefer a short answer in return, such as “fine thanks”, in place of a longer, less positive response. Although the longer, less positive response might actually be the truth.

Somewhere though, in growing into the world, people may forget to pause and consider the questions they are asking. Lack of thought, or general lack of empathy, lead them to ask things which really do not need to be known. Or which they might be told if they needed to know. Some questions are just silly and a little bit thoughtless. Take an example from a few years ago when people would ask, with a smirk, what I planned to wear to my wedding. Given that trousers and t-shirts are my preferred attire, people were curious as to what I would choose for a wedding. But really, it was none of anybody’s business. And the only people who asked, were those who sought to pass passive comment on my usual style. There are reasons I dress as I do; and those reasons are my own.

My usual attire (Photograph: S. Cowley)

Other questions become more personal, or presumptuous. “When will you start a family?” remains a popular enquiry of childless couples. No thought as to whether they wish to start a family, or whether they are able to start a family. Having had one child, we are sometimes asked when we will have another. People don’t mean any harm in asking, but it’s nothing to do with anybody else. 

Moving on, there are questions and comments which suggest that groups within society persist in refusing to move with the times. I used to be asked if I ever wanted to settle down and have a family, while I followed my career. Men of similar backgrounds weren’t asked the same. The onus appeared to be on me, as a female, to find someone to marry and procreate with. If this is really the role which society expects women to fulfil, we have a problem not just of perception, but of equality. 

We often hear comments which make assumptions about our son and his future. People ask which school he might go to. Firstly, it’s too early (and I reference the ‘none of your business’ point again). Secondly, there are options beyond the artificial constraints of mainstream education. If we don’t push aside the boxes which children enter upon joining the system, we will never move past the realms of privately educated governing bodies which set the policies for society, yet are always so out of touch with reality. Time to allow the next generation to find their own identity rather than have it imposed upon them.

Some people ask whether we will encourage our son to play football, as though that is an essential element of being male. Then there are the people who ask what we will do when he starts bringing girls home, as though this also defines his masculinity in some way. He’s still just an infant, and people are already trying to fit him into societal constructs. And asking questions to confirm that we are aligned to their views of how things ‘ought’ to be.

I realise that many questions and comments are presented with no harm intended. Just a lack of thought. And other times, a lack of awareness of what really matters. As generally social animals, humans will continue to interact with one and other. It’s perhaps time for greater thought, fewer assumptions, and more open mindedness. So that questions and comments might be relevant, and constructive. And answers listened to and respected.