Learning to say No

I’ve heard it said that “no” becomes a popular word around the age of two. The statement is often accompanied by an adult roll of the eyes, as though the word is somehow inappropriate coming from a toddler. But isn’t it important for our children to learn the word? To feel confident in saying “no”.

As adults, how often do we avoid saying “no”, because we don’t want to cause offence? So we take the extra work on, we attend social events, we have one more drink … and all the while we would prefer to say no. We hope that friends and family will feel they can say no to us, but do we always feel comfortable in doing the same in return?

Naturally, there will be times when the toddler’s no has to be overruled. As there are when we’re adults. But it’s vital that our children feel able to use the word. It might be in response to something which seems fairly minor. Perhaps you aren’t role playing the right conversations with their toys. Being able to say no, and seeing you listen and respond, is part of a child’s learning. They feel their opinion is important, and is respected. Or maybe they don’t want a hug at the moment. Here, we begin to step into particularly important territory. If they don’t want physical contact, they need to know that they can say “no”, and that you will listen and stop.

When a child says no, there are myriad ways of handling it. “Because I say so,” is an old-style approach, but doesn’t help the child to make sense of the situation. Perhaps an explanation of why you are doing something they don’t want to do is more appropriate. One of ours is to remind our son that we need to return to see the dogs and cats, when he says that no, he doesn’t want to go home. Or to talk about what we’re going to do during the day if he says no to getting up. We find ways to involve him in things. He doesn’t want us to brush his teeth for him? We’ll get a step so he can stand at the washbasin and do it himself.

Saying no is part of a toddler’s way of asserting their own independence. Sometimes it’s a word used to show frustration at not being heard, or not being able to articulate fully what they want. But you can be certain that they know what it means. And that they mean to use it, and want you to listen.