Loneliness

This year’s Mental Health Awareness Week (9-15 May), focussed on loneliness. One in four adults say they feel lonely some or all of the time. And these feelings can lead to conditions such as depression, anxiety, heart disease and strokes.

http://https://youtu.be/XCnJ8s69LlU

Mental Health Foundation Video

Pandemic lockdowns saw an increase in the number of UK adults saying they were often or always lonely. In 2016-17, five per cent said they fell into this category. By early 2021, the figure had increased to 7.2%.

Loneliness can become a vicious cycle. Someone who feels lonely craves human connection, but their state of mind leads them to reject contact with others. (This is in contrast to social isolation, when people might be alone, and are content to have limited social interaction.) Being lonely doesn’t always mean being alone. It’s possible to feel lonely even when surrounded by people. I find large cities can seem the loneliest places; there are hordes of people, yet without having any particular connections, the space feels empty.

There is an abundance of advice on how to combat feelings of loneliness, although not all ideas will suit everybody. Rather than review each suggestion, I’ll select a few which I relate to in particular.

Keep Busy

Firstly, keeping busy by making time to do something enjoyable. Not only can this improve mental health by stimulating your mind, it also helps the time to pass more quickly. Gardening, reading, listening to music, or even sorting out paperwork can be rewarding. The last of these is clearly most applicable if you prefer things to be in a certain order, which I do.

Find Friends

Finding people who ‘get’ you seems to become harder as you age. I have few friends, most are people I’ve known for years. Some are those I was with through education, from infant school and on all the way to sixth form. None live anywhere near me, but we try to have a group video call once a month. These are people who take me as I am. They’ve known me for long enough to ‘get’ me, and vice versa. We’ve met each others’ parents, and siblings, we’ve attended one and other’s weddings, been through loss together, and celebrated family arrivals.

Why does it become harder to make friends as we age? I think life makes us more cautious and less willing to trust people. We become afraid of exposing vulnerabilities, fearful of being judged, or used in some way if we reveal our depths. Those we meet as adults don’t have the full history of growing up together. They have no idea of our family backgrounds, our interests, or our quirks. Some stay around long enough to find out, while others are transitory connections. They might last for the duration of a job role, or the frequenting of a certain café, for example. I am fortunate to have kept a very good friend I met at work around 20 years ago. We are still in touch every week.

It sometimes feels as though we each need a friendship CV. Something we can share with others as we try to match ourselves to our tribe. Jennifer Senior’s piece, ‘It’s Your Friends Who Break Your Heart‘ is worth a read. As she says, the older we get, the more we need our friends – and the harder it is to keep them. But they are so important to our lives. They are sometimes the people who know us the best and for the longest. And one hopes that in most cases, the time commitment involved in nurturing new friendships is worthwhile to both parties.

Pets

Pets can be great support to people who feel lonely. As well as their unconditional love, they offer a structure to life. Whether it’s feeding, exercising, or cleaning up behind them, there are needs we cannot ignore if we are fortunate to share life with companion animals. And doing all of these things gives some sort of routine to the loneliest days. While they might not speak to us in words we understand, they can certainly sense feelings, and empathise very deeply. Two of our cats are particularly sensitive to my moods, and seek to offer comfort when I’m feeling below par. And some of the cats demonstrated through their behaviour that they could tell that I was pregnant. A couple of them knew before I realised it myself.

Ask For Help

There is no shame in talking to people close to you, or asking for professional help. A trained therapist will provide a safe space to talk through feelings, without passing judgement. For those in the UK, the NHS website has details of how to access support from those specialising in talking therapies.

Supporting Others

There is a stigma around loneliness. It’s something which we’re not supposed to admit to as adults. If somebody confides that they feel lonely, offer support and not judgement. Check in on them, and make time to listen. Ask open questions, like “how are you feeling?” as opposed to “are you okay?” Don’t be afraid to ask more than once. Let them know that they are not a burden.

Try to understand the root of their loneliness. Are they emotionally lonely, lacking a partner or someone significant they can have a meaningful relationship with. Do they feel socially lonely, missing a wider circle of interaction. Or do they feel that life is empty, and holds no meaning. Remember that everybody experiences loneliness differently, and everybody can help somebody who is feeling lonely.

It’s important to look after yourself and your loved ones too. It can be emotionally draining to offer ongoing support, even to close family and friends. Be prepared to suggest services which might help someone who feels lonely, rather than becoming their only source of support.

Further Information

The Mental Health Foundation recently published a research paper on loneliness, which considers how loneliness feels, causes and consequences of loneliness, and the most at risk groups for feeling lonely.

The British Red Cross have a list of six facts about loneliness to keep in mind whether working through your own feelings, or helping somebody else.

For urgent support with mental health, either your own or somebody else’s, contact a professional. The NHS website has details of UK organisations who can help.